When the Devil Came, He Was Not Red
by Edward J. Rathke

‘You rang?’

‘Are you the devil?’

‘Well, these look like crossroads and you called me three times. You look confused.’

‘You don’t look like the devil.’

‘Have we met before?’

‘Probably not.’

‘Disappointed?’

‘I don’t know. It’s just, I mean, you get this image in your head, you know, and then here you come looking like this.’

‘You don’t like my suit?’

‘No, it’s a nice suit, it’s just--’

‘Where are the wings, the horns, and the tail?’

‘Basically.’

‘Do you want me to look like that?’

‘Not now. I mean, it would’ve been nice, but now’

‘I can change.’

‘Nah, it’s okay.’

‘Well, what was it you wanted from me?’

‘Strange that it worked, you know?’

‘You must want something. People don’t just do this on accident.’

‘Well, I didn’t exactly call out the same name.’

‘Mephistopheles, Lucifer, Satan, Prince of Darkness, they’re all me. Now, don’t be timid. What do you want from me?’

‘Where’d you learn English?’

‘England.’

‘I kind of imagined you’d have a Middle Eastern accent or something. At least a British one.’

‘I can have either, if you’d like.’

‘Nah, it’s okay.’

‘Not the devil you imagined?’

‘Are you, like, the real devil? I mean, the original one?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you always do these in person?’

‘People usually don’t call me by name.’

‘How do they usually call you?’

‘Cell phone. Now, what is it you want?’

‘Do you really buy my soul for something?’

‘Yes.’

‘I don’t think I have a soul.’

‘Then it shouldn’t matter if you give it to me.’

‘Does god ever do this? Make personal appearances?’

‘He’s more hands off.’

‘Shouldn’t someone be fighting you for my soul? Like Jesus or Mary?’

‘They’re busy, I imagine. Making the world go round and what have you. Moreover, you didn’t call them. You called me.’

‘I thought everyone’s soul was important to god.’

‘Free will and all that. Condemned to be free, as they say.’

‘I don’t believe in god.’

‘Me neither.’

‘But I’ll be damned for all eternity?’

‘That’s the trade.’

‘Is it, um, painful?’

‘Better than heaven.’

‘Are there gonna be flames and all that?’

‘Do I have horns?’

‘Oh.’

‘Is that so surprising?’

‘What if I want to go to heaven?’

‘Shouldn’t you believe in god for that?’

‘I guess.’

‘Heaven sucks, anyway. All they do up there is pray and adore god. If you want some fun, sell me your soul.’

‘Is Hitler down there?’

‘We got Gandhi, too. It takes all kinds to be in hell.’

‘What did Gandhi do?’

‘The usual. Didn’t take Jesus Christ as his personal savior.’

‘Did Robert Johnson really sell you his soul for guitar prowess?’

‘So they say.’

‘Did he?’

‘What do you want?’

‘Not sure. What do you recommend?’

‘You really didn’t think about this before hand?’

‘Who would’ve guessed it would work?’

‘Do you want to live forever?’

‘I don’t think so. How does this work, anyway? Is it really, like, a contract? I sign something in blood or whatever?’

‘Yes.’

‘So, is god gonna be pissed at me?’

‘You don’t believe in god.’

‘I didn’t believe in you either.’

‘God is going to damn you to hell for the rest of eternity.’

‘That’s a long time.’

‘It’s neither long nor short. It’s just the rest.’

‘Why so long? And why does it matter if I sell my soul. It’s mine, isn’t it?’

‘This is really what you want to know right now? You come all this way to summon me and these are your questions? What about everlasting youth or the power to rule the world or flight or read minds? I can give you anything you want. Just say the word, sign the contract, and go. Now, what do you want?’

‘What does the contract say?’

‘I renounce God and hereby pledge allegiance to Lucifer.’

‘That’s it?’

‘Yes.’

‘Shouldn’t it say something about the exchange?’

‘You haven’t made a decision yet.’

‘So it will?’

‘What do you want?’

‘You’re really kind of pushy, you know that?’

‘I’ve never had to ask more than once.’

‘Sorry about that. This is just all a bit strange.’

‘Have you made a decision?’

‘Can I have a minute? I mean, this isn’t like picking dinner or something. I’m trading my soul. What do most people do?’

‘Eternal life, eternal youth, various forms of magic. Basically anything that makes them more than mortal. Sometimes musical skill.’

‘So he did sell his soul to play guitar?’

‘Yes.’

‘I don’t think I want any of those.’

‘How about a Snickers?’

‘Can I do that?’

‘You can literally sell your soul for anything. A house, a woman, food, power, money, you name it and it’s yours.’

‘See, that doesn’t make this any easier. Especially because now I’m thinking god is real, you know? I mean, he’s God. The wrath of God isn’t something I want.’

‘God isn’t going to smite you, if that’s what you think.’

‘Well, yeah, but, I mean, Thou shall not have any false gods. It worries me a little bit.’

‘You’re probably damned anyway. Less than one percent of people make it into heaven.’

‘Really?’

‘God doesn’t make it easy.’

‘Is God a man?’

‘Really?’

‘Just curious.’

‘God doesn’t have a gender.’

‘Do you?’

‘We’re eternal; we don’t need to procreate, so we don’t need sexual organs.’

‘You kind of look like a dude.’

‘People trust men more than women when it comes to these kinds of things.’

‘Is it okay if I sit?’

‘Where?’

‘Right here, I guess. Can I ask you something?’

‘Haven’t done much else.’

‘Why a crossroads?’

‘It needn’t be here. It’s just one of those human beliefs.’

‘Is it too late to change my mind?’

‘I can give you anything you want. Anything imaginable. It’s yours.’

‘I don’t think I want anything.’

‘Everyone wants something. You’re being timid and fearful. I can make you like a god. You needn’t fear God or man or anything.’

‘I don’t think I want that.’

‘You’re a hard sell.’

‘Sorry.’

‘Do you mind if I sit?’

‘Do you get tired of standing?’

‘Yes.’

‘It’s kind of dusty.’

‘Maybe I’ll just stand.’

‘It’s up to you.’

‘Would you like a cigarette?’

‘Sure.’

‘Voila!’

‘That’s a cool trick.’

‘I’ve millions of them.’

‘What should I call you?’

‘Whatever. My name’s still Lucifer.’

‘How about Louie?’

‘No.’

‘Lou?’

‘No.’

‘I’m Andy.’

‘I know.’

‘What do we do now?’

‘You really don’t want anything?’

‘Not really.’

‘I’ll wait awhile. See if you change your mind.’

‘Okay. I probably won’t, though.’

‘You sure?’

‘Yeah. I got a lot to think about now. You being real and all.’

‘Do you mind if I stick around for a while anyway?’

‘Um, I guess not.’

‘It’s not so dusty.’

‘Yeah. Do you come to earth often?’

‘It’s nice here.’